How To Be a Good Friend
1. Set up calendar notifications for their birthdays, or write them on your new calendar each January. (Don’t rely on Facebook to remind you!)
2. Put meaningful days in their life on your calendar (kids’ birthdays, wedding anniversaries, days tied to grief).
3. Tell them when someone else says something nice about them.
4. Send a meme, a screenshot, or a funny card and say “This reminded me of you”/Thought you might like this.”
5. When you’re getting ready to call them or meet up, think about a few things you want to talk about so you make the most of your hang outs (and don’t spend the whole time venting about finding a parking spot).
6. Literally show up—and make a point to be on time. (If you do need to cancel plans, set a date for new plans in the same conversation.)
7. When you’re talking, be present. That means don’t multitask if you’re on the phone and put down the phone if you’re in person.
8. Ask them how their parents/siblings are doing.
9. Remember the names of the colleagues, family members and other friends they talk about the most.
10. Take mental—or physical—notes after your hang to remind yourself of the show they told you to watch or the article you said you’d send them or the thing they keep mentioning they really want (get it for them for their upcoming birthday!).
11. If they told you about something important they have planned, ask them how it went after.
12. Celebrate their wins like they’re your wins.
THE EXPERT:
Rachel Wilkerson Miller, author of The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People and Dot Journaling: A Practical Guide. A former Buzzfeed senior editor, Rachel’s now a Deputy Editor at Vice. (A version of this list originally appeared on BuzzFeed and was co-authored by Terri Pous)
THE EXPLANATION:
OK, so this isn’t so much about a particular order of things as it is a lot of good things to remember. One of the biggest: Don‘t flake on your friends. We all have the friend who’s notorious for canceling and that friend, well, kinda sucks. Show up and be prepared to talk about the stuff that’s important to both of you—knowing the names of the major players in their life makes it logistically easier to follow along and it communicates, “I am invested in you and your stories.” Ask them how their best friend from back home is doing or other things and people in their lives that they’ve mentioned before. Not only does it show you’re paying attention and listening but it can help you get to know them on a deeper level. And sending little texts or snaps can help you stay connected when you can’t get face time. It lets them know you’re thinking of them and everyone likes to know they’re being thought of (even if that’s communicated through a NSFW meme).
BONUS:
If you know in your heart that you haven’t been showing up for a friend, be honest about it—and apologize. If your friend noticed, you’ll validate their feelings. And if they hadn’t noticed, they’ll appreciate that you’re thinking about these things and trying your best.
BONUS:
Try to talk a little less about other people and a little more about your friend.
In We Need to Talk, Celeste Headlee writes, “Research shows we spend about 60 percent of our time in conversations talking about ourselves.” OK, not great, we should all definitely work on that! But then she goes on: “Most of the remaining time is spent talking about a third person, not the person we’re talking to. One study found that ‘most social conversation time is devoted to statements about the speaker’s own emotional experiences and/or relationships, or those of third parties not present.’”